Category: Personal

This Is What a Vegan Looks Like!

lake-desire

I’m excited for the upcoming Carnival of Empty Cages. I hope the carnival will help me find and join the vegan blog scene now that Tekanji has provided me a place to discuss my herbivorism. I begin by defining vegan because it’s a fluid term. I intend this post to be a gateway to future discussions about my veganism coinciding with my feminism (and how I got here), the intersections of animal exploitation and human oppression, and even some critiques of the animal rights movement from an anti-racist feminist perspective.

Motives for Writing

what's a vegan?

Last quarter, in my feminist theory class at university, I focused on the intersection of animal liberation and feminism for my term paper. As I expected, the authors I consulted argued that veganism coincides with a feminist lifestyle (I’ll talk more about this connection in future posts). But some of the authors assumed I already knew what veganism was; a definition of vegan was missing. How did they hope to persuade the feminist who pictured an anemic, maligned salad-eater?

So what is it already?

Vegan is a fluid identity. I want to lay out what it means to me because not everyone shares my definition and I want readers to know what I’m talking about when I say vegan. Fellow veg*ns are free to disagree, so long as they don’t tell me I’m not vegan–I still have a few outstanding warrants from the Vegan Police to dodge first. (Veg*n is a catch all term for people on the spectrum of vegetarianism.)

My definition:

A vegan is someone who boycotts direct support of animal cruelty. This primarily comes into practice with my choices as a consumer. I ask myself: is my money going towards animal suffering? If we’re talking about the eggs in a pastry, yes. I’m supporting an industry that even in cage-free settings must slaughter male chicks and the hens past their reproductive prime because keeping them alive would be too expensive.

I don’t avoid items far removed from animal harvesting. For example, how would I be helping animals by not purchasing a bike produced with glue containing animal ingredients? Those byproducts of animal slaughter will be replaced by plant-derived sources, which will become cheaper when less animals are slaughtered for meat. Veganism is lifestyle that incorporates a boycott of direct forms of cruelty.

Although I don’t purchase leather or wool items, and avoid products tested on animals, my veganism in practice primarily focuses on what I eat. Because 99 out of 100 animals raised in my country are slaughtered for food, I believe my efforts will have most of an impact focusing on the consumption of animal products. I don’t eat meat, diary, or eggs because harvesting these foods requires animal suffering. I do make other food considerations that don’t fall under veganism. For example, I prefer local produce to support sustainable agriculture and avoid partially hydrogenated oils for my health.

If a food item is labeled vegan, it doesn’t contain meat, gelatin, dairy, eggs, or honey. When I say meat, I include poultry and seafood.

Veg-in? Vay-gun? Veegan?

I pronounce it vee-gan. I haven’t heard a vegan pronounce it otherwise, so be prepared for some funny looks if you call us veggin’s or vay-guns (rhymes with ray-gun).

Animal Rights and Animal Welfare

I want to clarify the difference between animal rights and animal welfare. Animal welfare is what most of you (and me) are in favor of: humane treatment of animals. Animal rights advocates entire liberation from human use. We both don’t want animals to suffer unnecessarily, but we don’t agree on what’s necessary.

I compare animal welfare and animal rights to liberal feminism and radical feminism. Animal welfare and liberal feminism both work for change within the system, while animal rights and radical feminism want a revolution that will dismantle oppressive hierarchies. (Ecofeminism joins the two and recognizes the ways in which animal and human dominion are interconnected.) I prefer to focus on our common goals rather than our differences. Fighting amongst ourselves takes time away from changing the world.

Options

Ariel and her pizza

Veganism isn’t an exclusive club, nor does it have to be all or nothing. I encourage people to do what they can in their own lives. If you want to be vegan but would never give up cheese pizza or Turkey on Thanksgiving (and the faux stuff doesn’t do it for you), that doesn’t mean you can’t boycott other forms of animal cruelty from your life.

My veganism is largely inspired by the group Vegan Outreach (I recommend their website if you want to read up more about reasons for being vegan and what it entails, or there is always the Wikipedia article). They taught me that veganism is not about avoiding a list of ingredients. What fun is that? I’m the last person who wants her options limited. I remind myself that this is a choice (although I seldom remember these days that animal derived foods are an option). This is who I am, who I always will be, and I have fun with it.

To my fellow sisters-in-arms:

tekanji

Stop it. Stop invalidating me because of my reproductive choices. Stop telling me what is and is not worthy of discussion. Stop calling me names because I have a different sexual expression than you. Stop discriminating against our sisters just because they don’t have the same naughty bits as you. Stop telling women that they should not be allowed to choose their life’s path. And, for the love of little green apples, stop trying to make the only valid path in life the one you want to take.

That’s what the patriarchy does, not us. Get it?

So, stop it. Just fucking STOP IT.

Reflections on Octavia Butler

lake-desire

Octavia Butler died yesterday at 58 in a fall that led to a fatal concussion. Creating strong, vivid female characters, Butler is one of my favorite authors and a personal inspiration when writing my own feminist scifi stories. She was the first woman of color to be published for writing science fiction, and the first genre author to win the MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant.

In my women’s studies course last quarter, I selected Butler for a presentation on an amazing women my classmates and I heard too little about growing up. I explained that Butler reached people who weren’t represented among the white supremacist, sexist voice dominating science fiction, and used the tools of speculative fiction to imagine alternatives. My peers responded well to my presentation, and a few remarked that that Butler’s stories sounded like ones they would enjoy; they previously had little interest in science fiction. I passed out URLs for a pair of Butler’s short stories available online, and hope that my classmates found their way to them. I’ve included the links at the end of this post.

Other bloggers on Butler’s death

My lived sense of the way power and difference play out in the politics of futures our pasts propel us into easily owes as much to Octavia Butler as it does to Michel Foucault or to Donna Haraway or to Judith Butler, and that is saying something. It’s hard to convey what it means to me to know there will be no more Octavia Butler books to look forward to, each one always sure to be so much her own, never like anybody else’s, in a voice I felt I understood and came to crave, attesting to a world that seemed so painfully real and familiar to me, however alien.

— amor mundi

I haven’t read any of her books, but yet, I find myself sitting in front of the computer almost in tears…I thought I had time! I thought I had time to get to know her style, form a critique, maybe see her at a speech and then maybe walk up to her, pages in shaky hand, mouth dry, and ask her to look over my stuff.

— Woman of Color Blog

More on Octavia Butler

  • Short story: The Book of Martha
  • Short story: Amnesty
  • Essay on Racism NPR Podcast
  • Transcript from Democracy Now! Interview

    • Delay, delay, arrive. [My Voodoo, Part 2]

    tekanji

    Rouge: My Voodoo LaptopAfter over two months, I’m finally sitting here typing on my brand new laptop. I’ve been spending the past few days migrating my stuff over from my old laptop and desktop and I’m not quite done yet. Am I happy it’s here? Hell yeah. Do I like it so far? Sure. Would I recommend this company to someone else? Probably not.

    The main reason why I don’t think I would recommend this company again is because of the sheer aggravation I went through to get this thing. Another is that you can get a comparable machines for a lower price, although VoodooPC offers some peripherals that Sager does not (including the paint job and tatoo, which I rather like). If this machine turns out to be the best thing since baked bread, however, I may give people a qualified endorsement. But, onto my retelling of the Delay Saga and the first impressions of Rouge (my computer, named after the Sonic Adventure 2 character, of course) when I first got her.

    I. The Dreaded Delays

    Rewind, if you will, to January 2, 2006 (22 days after I placed my order). Jess Williamson, a member of VoodooPC’s Web Team, sends out a (presumably form) e-mail to update me on my computer.

    I just wanted to let you know your computer has been gathered and in about 10-15 days it should be complete. Let me know if you need anything.

    Jess

    46 days after that (68 days after I placed my order), I get another (presumably form) e-mail from VoodooPC. This time it’s from Jodie Salvador:

    Hi Andrea,

    I was just emailing you to let you know that your computer has finished testing and will be sent out to you in the next few days. Thank you again for your order.

    Jodie

    I was not pleased to learn that they hadn’t even sent it yet, so I fired off this e-mail in return:

    Jodie,

    First of all, I would like to thank you and VoodooPC for keeping me up to date on the progress of my laptop. I must say, though, that I am highly disappointed in the turnaround time.

    When I purchased the machine back in December (68 days ago), my confirmation page told me that my laptop would be ready and shipped in approximately 30 days. The previous e-mail, from Jess Williamson, I received 46 days ago said that my laptop would be complete in 10-15 days.

    I had expected that the 30 days would be give or take a week or two, but this is bordering on ridiculous.

    I didn’t receive a reply after that, but an hour later I got an e-mail informing me that my order had been shipped. I checked my tracking number and discovered that the shipping had been expedited, and therefore would arrive at my dad’s house in Miami in two business days. I’m not sure if the shipping I paid for was expedited shipping, or if they expedited it because I complained. Neither my invoice nor my website specifies what “North America” shipping entails.

    The arrival date, mind you, was right in time for me to be up in West Palm Beach in preparation for my returning to Washington with my mom. Long story short, much aggravation led to my dad bringing it up to Boca (where my grandpa lives) and us having dinner, me getting the package, then flying up with two laptops. Quite an experience, let me tell you.

    II. First Impressions

    My very first impression of Rouge was a mixed one. I was impressed that I was given all relevant discs, including the Windows XP install (which, if I remember correctly, Toshiba did not give me). I was interested to see that I had to go through the final part of the installation myself. I was not, however, happy that the laptop lacked a hardware volume control. The one that it uses is dependent on Windows being fully booted, so the only way I could stop from waking up my nieces sleeping next door was to put my earphones into the plug. I’ve had a few other embarassing experiences with the volume being up too high since then.

    My only other complaint is that the software that I have discs for requires that I enter the CD key the first time I use them, which isn’t bad except that I haven’t done it for everything yet and I don’t have the discs on me when I travel. The fans can be noisy sometimes, but they keep the laptop nice and cool. The bottom has little grates for the air to come out, which seems like a stroke of genius to me given the bad design of other laptops I’ve seen.

    Other than that, I have been pretty happy so far. I’ve been having a lot of fun exploring the different features, and playing with my webcam (I think I need to install better software for it). There’s a bar on the bottom with (among other things) controls for a CD player. I doubt I’ll ever use it for that function, but it works with all of my AV programs so I can go to the previous/next tracks, stop, and play my files without having to use my mouse. That is totally cool in my book.

    II. Conclusion

    I’m allowing myself to hope that the worst of this experience is over. It was a pain in the butt waiting so long for my laptop, especially given what I paid for it, but the machine itself seems to be pretty quality. I haven’t played any games on it yet, and I don’t know how it will hold up against the rough handling I tend to put my electronics through, but I suppose that’s a blog post for another day.

    The saga of Rogue is far from over.

    Sex-positive does not mean misogyny-friendly!

    tekanji

    I can’t speak for any other ‘sex-positive’ feminist (versus ‘anti-porn’ feminists, who are in no way required to be ‘sex-negative’), but I can speak for myself and my values. Vociferate’s Andrea wrote what I consider to be a very disappointing rant on sex-positive feminism. I don’t know who she’s reading, but categorizing all of us as (basically) patriarchy-apologists is as bad as if I decided to label all radical feminists as transphobes based on commenters like funnie. I don’t have a chance to reply to her post on her blog, as she only allows blogger members to comment, but it probably would have been a case of Attack of the 50-line Comment anyway.

    What I got from her post is that, in a nutshell, Andrea believes that (all?) sex-positive feminists:

    1. Dismiss the potential harm of porn.
    2. Perpetuate the ‘myth’ of rape fantasies because it’s what men want to hear.
    3. Believe that radical feminists, or any non-‘sex-positive’ feminists, are anti-sex.
    4. Use the label to be a constant reminder that they like sex.
    5. Are defined solely by their one label as ‘sex-positive’.
    6. Must, by nature, be seeking a ‘compromise’ with male sexual entitelment.

    Please, Andrea, don’t speak for me; you have neither the knowledge, nor the right. Engage with the argument, engage with the issues, but do not label us all by what you have seen in your limited research. That is no better than the kind of stereotyping all feminsits get from anti/non-feminists. Like the feminist movement as a whole, sex-positive feminists are not one trick ponies. We have different takes, and different interpretations, on pornography and sexuality. Taking the main points from Andrea’s post that I outlined above, I will present a different, but most assuredly sex-positive, take on that branch of feminism.

    I. The potential harm of porn

    Andrea accuses us of ‘dismiss[ing] the idea that porn causes men to view women as objects for their use,’ and I won’t deny that I have seen some sex-positive feminists do just that. It is hard, for both sides, to draw the line between embracing one’s sexuality (and sexual desires) and objectifying (or being objectified). And, you know what? It’s not an easy distinction. It’s not always as easy as Playboy or Hustler. I don’t agree with flat out saying, ‘yay porn!’ but I can understand the mentality. Of course, just as I don’t agree with flat out saying, ‘boo porn!’ I can understand that mentality, too.

    In simplest terms, my stance on porn is that I am pro in its most basic form (material that arouses), but anti-mainstream (and not-so-mainstream like Suicide Girls), anti-industry, and anti-porn culture. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to get off on sexually explicit pictures, stories, videos, scenarios, etc. And, for the record, I don’t think anti-porn feminists are saying that there is. The difference between me and anti-porn feminists is that I believe that, while hard, it is not impossible to have pornography in this culture that doesn’t objectify/degrade the participants (not always women, as with the case in male gay porn).

    My mom is anti-porn, and with good reason. She has been tangibly harmed by American porn culture. She has been held up to those impossibly high standards and has been found wanting. She has, in essence, been a victim of pornography. I get that. My sex-positive stance does not and should not preclude me from acknowledging and criticizing harm pornography has done, and will continue to do for as long as it remains unchecked. Just as Andrea’s feminist stance does not, and should not, preclude her from engaging in a critique of another feminist stance she doesn’t agree with (however regrettable I think her chosen way of addressing it was).

    II. Rape: Fantasy versus Reality

    I dislike Andrea’s insinuation that rape fantasies are a ‘myth.’ She is not omniscient (nor do I think she would claim to be), and therefore she cannot have definitive evidence of what does, and does not, turn a person on. I do think, though, that her concern that it’s “dangerous for women for this idea to be around,” is a valid one, and one that should be considered before bringing up rape fantasies in any conversation.

    Consideration, however, is not the same thing as blanket denial based on what seem to be misattributed sentiments. I would like to point out that what she blames on sex-positive feminists arguing for people’s rights to have rape fantasies is, in fact, better attributable to the patriarchy’s rape culture. I, personally, have never heard a feminist (of any stripe) tell a survivor that she’s “making a fuss over nothing,” or that “the biggest turn-on for a woman is rape.” I have, however, heard misogynists who wouldn’t listen to a feminist argument even if it came out of Rush Limbaugh’s mouth espouse that BS. And, personally, I think victim blaming is one of the few things that would merit someone’s “feminist club card” (so to speak) being revoked. I don’t think it’s fair to malign all sex-positive feminists based on misogynist crap that may or may not have actually been advocated by someone claiming to be a “sex-positive feminist.”

    Part of the problem, I think, is that what she thinks of as a ‘rape fantasy’ is vastly different than the explanations for it that I’ve seen. Her claim that these fantasies are tantamount to women “getting moist about people raping them” is based on the reality of rape, rather than the idealized power play that the fantasizers wish to interact with. After all, a fantasy is, by definition, something not real. I have never encountered, met, or heard of a person who wants to actually be raped. Which is not to say that such a person cannot exist, but rather that when people (sex-positive feminists or otherwise) talk about ‘rape fantasies’ they are talking about role playing between consenting adults. That, right off the bat, removes the core of what makes rape a disgusting and heinous act: violating a person against their will.

    What’s left is the eroticization of power, which is a double-edged sword. One argument is that the eroticization of power is a vestige of influence left over from the centuries of patriarchal oppression and therefore it cannot exist in a truly egalitarian society, and furthermore hampers the formation of such. The other argument is that, regardless of its origins (taught or innate), people do eroticize power, and it is more productive to do so in an informed, consenting way than to let it manifest itself in harmful ways (hiding under ‘romance’ and leading to anything from unequal relationships to domestic violence and even rape). I can understand the first argument, but I must confess that I lean more towards the second.

    III. Sex-positive’s opposite is not ‘sex-negative’

    No matter what the unfortunate name may imply, “sex-positive” isn’t an accusation that anyone not agreeing with us must hate sex. The two basic camps I’ve seen are ‘sex-positive’ and ‘anti-porn,’ with the dividing line between the two being their stance on whether or not pornography has the potential to be non-exploitative. I sparked a long, but productive, conversation on the terms and ideals over in the comments on a post at Mind the Gap. The entire thing is worth a read, but I’ll just pull the relevant parts to illustrate my point.

    I don’t know why the group chose “sex-positive” for their label. Although thinking about it, I can’t come up with another term that isn’t equally problematic.

    I’ve taken up the term because that group, in general, typifies my understanding of feminism and pornography. The sort of “opposite” camp is the anti-porn feminists (again, their terms).

    I argued that all feminists object to exploitation of female sexuality. Personally, I think exploitation and equality are mutually exclusive. Anti-porn feminists, I said, believe that the product (pornography, sex work, etc) cannot be separted from the industry (and I’d like to add, the culture) and therefore is unacceptable in all forms. Sex-positive feminists, on the other hand, believe that it is not that the product needs to be removed, but rather that the industry and the culture need to be changed. As I’ve mentioned before, both positions are deserving of respect no matter where you stand on them.

    IV. Like, omigawd, I like sex so I must be a sex-positive feminist!

    I am not some green virgin who goes around talking about how much she likes sex. I will talk about sex, sure, and liking it – when appropriate. Sometimes when not appropriate, but that has nothing to do with being a sex-positive feminist and everything to do with me having a habit of saying inappropriate things. I’m not sex-positive because I’m horny, I’m sex-positive because that is the school of thought that best meshes with my stance on sexual culture.

    As part of her argument, Andrea says:

    Sex positive feminists defend their position by stating sex is only one of their areas of interest, which is what other feminists do day in, day out, and receive no special recognition for. My suggestion is that if you do not wish to be indentified by the characteristic of your ‘position’ on sex, do not choose such a characteristic to define yourselves by.

    When I saw that, my reaction was, excuse me? If I’m reading it right (which, I confess, I may not be as the paragraph is confusing to me), she’s saying that sex-positive feminists should be defined solely by that characteristic. As should be obvious from my blog, sex is only one of my areas of interest. One that I don’t blog about often, and when I do I probably come across more as anti-porn (or even anti-sex) than sex-positive. At least to those who conflate correlation with causation, or believe that attacking a product/industry/company that perpetuates the exploitation of women is the same as claiming men are sexual beasts who are slaves to their hormones.

    And, anyway, why should my sex-positive feminist aspect be any more important than my feminist gamer one? Or my geeky feminist one? Or my angry feminist one? I am not a single issue kind of girl. I am the sum of all my parts, and my sex-positive stance is but one of many. To say I’m a sex-positive feminst (full stop) would be to cheat me of my unique humanity. I’m a sex-positive feminst, yes, but I am also a fantasy-reading, game-playing, people-loving (and hating), green-haired freak and so much more.

    V. Sexuality != sexual entitlement

    And here I find myself in a ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so I may as well go with what works for me,’ scenario. Some anti-porn feminists (as I wouldn’t say that anti-porn feminists are necessarily anti-sex-positive feminists, just not in agreement with us) believe that our stance is taken for the express purpose of becoming ‘acceptable’ to the patriarchy. Non-feminist pro-porn people I’ve talked to seem to think quite the opposite about me. Who’s right? Both and neither.

    Both because 1) I do use my stance as a way to reach out to those who would never give the time of day to an anti-porn argument, however rationally it is presented. I suffer no delusions that my words will give them an ephiphany and they’ll say, “You’re right! I promise to stop supporting the industry and the objectification of women.” However, I do hope that by showing them a different side of the sexual culture, it may cause them to be more critical of what practices they support and why. And 2) Because I am uncompromising on issues like the treatment of sex-workers (who are, surprise!, overwhelmingly female) and that puts my ‘grey’ a little too dark for many avid porn advocates to stomach. One side effect of being a sex-positive feminist, I suppose. I care about women as if we were people. Oh, wait, we are.

    Neither because, when it comes down to it, it isn’t about being ‘acceptable’ to menfolk, or viewing the world in a black and white frame. For me, it’s about finding an egalitarian sexual atmosphere that welcomes all consentual adult expressions of sexuality, whether I personally like them or not. After all, how can I preach gender democracy and then turn around and form a sexual dictatorship? No one should have a right to tell a woman what to do with her life, whether it be becoming a stay-at-home-mom or being tied up because she likes it.

    VI. Conclusion

    I’m not asking Andrea (or any other person who feels the same as she does) to agree with, or like, sex-positive feminism in any of its incarnations. I’m not asking her to refrain from examining the rationale behind it, or thinking about how it affects society. Critical thinking is good. Constructive criticism is good. Ranting, even, is good. But, I don’t think that it’s helpful to write off an entire school of thought as “immature,” especially not when you’ve only seen the most extreme elements. Deconstruct the arguments, sure, but don’t alienate those of us who respect you and your opinions (even if sometimes they differ from ours).

    An Introduction

    lake-desire

    It’s been almost a week now since Tekanji invited me to blog here, so I figure I’ve kept you all in suspense long enough.

    My name is Ariel Wetzel, although I usually go by Lake Desire online. The alias refers to the lake I grew up near. I’m a 21 year old senior at Western Washington University. I designed my BA major through a smaller college, Fairhaven, within the university. The title? Speculative Visions: Gender and Imaginative Composition. Basically, it’s an intersection of creative writing, gender studies, and the speculative fiction umbrella (scifi, fantasy, dystopias, and the like).

    I keep a blog called New Game Plus on primarily gender and my geeky interests like gaming and scifi. I also enjoy writing fiction, vegan cooking (I’m an animal rights activist and accordingly an herbivore), reading young adult literature, activism, and the outdoors.

    Any questions?

    Tragically Funny

    tekanji

    I don’t know what it is about tragic things that make them such fodder for sarcastic humour. A defense mechanism, maybe? A way to deal with the horrors of the world without killing oneself? Regardless, it is undoubtedly the form of humour I use the most, probably because I’m awful with jokes (the only set that I can ever remember starts with, “What do you call a cow with two legs?”). I feel like my brand of dark, sarcastic humour gives me a way to purge the taint left on me by the injustices of the world; by speaking it in a humourous context, it can be exposed for the sheer idiocy it is. It becomes something to laugh at, not to be taken seriously. I also like that it turns something that normally brings pain into something that, even briefly, can bring the pleasure of laughter.

    In that vein, I was having a totally serious (well, serious except for the interruptions of pictures from Cute Overload) with darth sidhe on Trillian. And she, sharing this brand of humour with me, took my totally innocent comment about not giving away things, and spawned the following sludge-filled bit of humour. Be warned, however, for it’s the traditionalist notion of sexuality that’s under fire and there’s talk of rape in it.

    tekanji: and it’s not like I’m giving *away* something most cases
    darth sidhe: yeah.
    darth sidhe: like OMG UR VIRGINITY
    tekanji: OMG I AM A LOLIPOP BUT I GOT LICKED SO MANY TIMES I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER MY FUTURE HUSBAND
    darth sidhe: ;_;
    tekanji: waaaaaaaaah
    tekanji: no man will ever want to touch me now
    tekanji: wait
    tekanji: that might not be a bad thing
    tekanji: 😛
    darth sidhe: “So you’re saying a woman is only worth her virginity?” “No, I’m saying it’s her honor.” “Wait, a woman’s virginity is her honor? So she lie, cheat and steal and it’s okay as long as she still has her hymen?”
    tekanji: haha
    darth sidhe: a man’s word is his honor, but a woman’s honor is between her legs.
    darth sidhe: yeah, fuck that.
    tekanji: but we hold aaaaaaaaall the poewr because men want to fuck us
    tekanji: don’t you see how that makes us more powerful than men?
    darth sidhe: especially when men just can’t help themselves and go around raping every woman they see. It just shows that we have the power to withhold! Or not.
    tekanji: well, those women were asking for it. I mean, if they hadn’t worn clothes or lived in their house or had male relatives then they wouldn’t have been raped!
    darth sidhe: the only way to solve that problem is to kill all the men and save their sperm for the propagation of the race.
    darth sidhe: and when boys become of age, collect from them and kill them off. for ever and ever amen.

    We're Here, We're Green…?

    tekanji
    Old Versus New
    I’m not just a good girl; I’m one of those girls, too.

    I have always had a kind of “girl next door” look. With my brown hair, brown eyes, and slim build I was constantly being told that I looked like so-and-so’s sister/cousin/relative. In addition to my looks, I did my homework, got good grades, didn’t drink/smoke/do drugs, hung with a good crowd, etc. Outside, I was a normal girl. A good girl. Not one of those girls.

    Inside, I was anything but. I wanted to be different, to not blend in with everyone else. My personality – that of a strong-willed, outspoken, fantasy-loving, game-loving, anime-loving feminist – was enough to satisfy me for a while. But, I longed for my appearance to match who I was inside.

    I. From “Good Girl” To… Not As “Good Girl”

    Why was there such a seeming mismatch between my exterior and interior? Well, a few reasons. The first is that I am that good girl, but it’s not all of who I am. Then there was going to a private school where I could get kicked out for having any non-natural colour for my hair, or have any “inappropriate” piercing removed on threat of expulsion. There was also my aversion to modifying my body even a little bit to fit a standard of beauty, even if it was my standard of beauty. And, finally, when I was just starting to get a handle on what I wanted for myself, my abuser came along and demolished everything I had started to build. When I finally was at a point to start regaining it, all of my friends were so vanilla that I ended up being vanilla, too.

    But, I’m not vanilla; I’m mint chocolate chip. I’m not just a good girl; I’m one of those girls, too. I had a lot of false starts, but staring to find a style that I – not my family, not my friends, not my abuser – wanted was the first step. Hell, not being afraid to wear clothes that hugged my body or showed my shoulders was hard enough, but with my boyfriend-at-the-time’s encouragement, I was able to focus on what I did and didn’t like. It’s a process I’m still going through, but my recent experiments with layering have gotten positive feedback and I feel like I’m closer than ever to expressing me in my appearance.

    Finding a hair sylist that clicked with me was another big step. First came the haircuts I loved, then I ventured in with some highlights – brown/blonde at first, then red. And then one day I asked her if we could do green.

    “Green??!” she asked incredulously.

    “Yeah, green,” I affirmed. “I want to go green for graduation.”

    So she ordered the colour and the next time I went in, she put green in my hair. “Punky,” she called my look.

    I like that word. Punky.

    II. Where I Stand, Who I Am

    I tread an odd middle ground between respectable and rebellious. I’m “punky” not “punk”. I’m not goth, but I like the goth scene – fashion, music, people, and all. I’m a girl, but not “girly”. I’m a thousand and one things, none of which can be used to pin down an accurate picture of me. And, despite having green hair and a cartilage piercing, I am “normal” enough that I think it’s a special occassion when I get stares from people.

    I’ve never been called a poser, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some people from the subcultures that I dabble in would see me that way. By skirting the lines, I haven’t had to deal with a lot of the ridicule that they do. Having to listen to my family say nasty things about tattoos (despite the fact that my eldest sister has one, the fiance of my middle sister wants one, and I’m definitely going to get at least one) or constantly think the worst when I mention an interest in piercing, kink, or whatever other out-of-the-norm activities simply can’t compare to the kind of shit I’ve seen others go through. As a small example: one of my high school friends dresses gothy – has long black hair, wears all black, etc – and because of that, and only that, one of my other friends was scared of her for like a year before he realized what a sweetheart she was.

    But, honestly, all I’m doing is trying to be who I am. I want to be the good girl, the punky girl, the gamer, the feminist, the geek… I want to be all those and more, but still be me. And still have people see me for me. I like not being boxed into one idea, and I chafe when someone starts seeing me as one thing and not any other (The Feminist, not surprisingly, is one of the most common boxes I’ve been put in).

    Sure, not fitting in can be uncomfortable sometimes. The idea of changing yourself and having an instant friend group to fall into is appealing. But I know it’s not realistic because even those of us who fit a role to a “T” aren’t defined by that role. The “instant friendgroup” may not be a myth exactly, but it’s not as perfect as it sounds.

    III. Making Myself Palatable

    One of my main complaints with mainstream culture is that I can’t do a lot of the things with my body that I want to. I have to keep my piercings to mostly non-visible places (I tread the line with my cartilage one) and when I get a tattoo, not only do I have to find places that will age well, but also ones that won’t compromise my ability to get a corporate job. Sometimes it really grates my nerves that I have to be so careful with how I express myself. But, by walking this road, I become one of the people who makes piercing, tattoos, and non-natural hair colours less “scary”.

    It’s easy to judge goths, punks, or people in like subcultures as “scary” or “weird” or “not like us”. It’s not so easy to judge me, the “girl next door” type as that. Even when I’m a green-haired punky freak. In fact, I get compliments from people of all stripes on my look. My mother, who is the first to worry when I tell her about what piercings I want next or whatnot, loves my hair. She thinks that I not only wear it favourably but I make it, well, normal. For every teenager, child, or even adult who goes out of their way to say something nice about my hair, glasses, piercing, etc, that is one more person who might not be against a broader definition of what constitutes “appropriate” appearance.

    I mean, the more people who think like that, the better the chance that I won’t have any problem walking into a board meeting with green hair one day. Or maybe an eyebrow piercing. Or a visible tattoo. And that, to me, would be a personal victory.