Category: Archived Posts

Sticks and Stones

tekanji
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This post is several years old and may not reflect the current opinions of the author.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” We’ve heard it, we’ve sung it, for some of us it has become a mantra. But, you know what? It’s not true. Any person who is a survivor of domestic violence (DV) can tell you that. An ASU school paper spreads the word about abuse in the article “Controlling Love”.

I can’t do this article justice without getting into some heavily personal stuff, so I’m just going to pull some quotes that I like. If you have time, I highly recommend reading the article – it’s a good resource for DV victims as well as those who know someone who’s in an abusive relationship.

Kathleen Ferraro, a sociology professor at Northern Arizona University who wrote her dissertation on battered women and the shelter movement, has been working with abused women for decades.

She says that often the warning signs of abusive relationships are there, but that most people in the early stages of a relationship tend to emphasize the positive aspects of their partners, causing them to override the messages that something’s just not right.

“The thing is, people who are physically assaulted readily identify the relationship as abusive,” Ferraro says.

She says emotional abuse can be harder for victims to identify, but just as devastating. Women have been socialized to think that they should be second to a man, and they often view a partner’s controlling behavior as a sign of love.

But it’s not.

Ferraro says that because people place such a high value on intimate relationships in American culture, they try harder to make relationships work. Both men and women are reluctant to identify a negative relationship as unworkable or that an abusive partner can be so manipulating that the victim will begin to think the negative aspects of the relationship are his or her own fault.

Studies show that the process of leaving an abusive partner consists of several steps. The first is when the victim becomes less tolerant of his or her abuser. Becky had reached this point, but she still wasn’t ready to leave.

…

The next step in the process of recovery often comes when the victim reaches a personal turning point after a confrontation or conversation with an abuser. For Becky, this didn’t come long after the two began speaking again.

Laura Jesmer, a licensed clinical social worker at ASU’s Counseling and Consultation, says that she sees many students with relationship abuse issues, but at the same time, there are many students who could benefit from the center’s service, but don’t go.

After a victim becomes isolated by his or her abuser, having outside support can be key to recovery, but the shame that often surrounds victims of abuse will hinder them from seeking help.

The KRC Research survey showed that 34 percent of the women interviewed said they’d be too embarrassed to tell family or friends about having been abused. Walsh has several suggestions for a person who suspects that someone they know is being abused physically or emotionally by a partner.

Walsh says the first thing a friend needs to do is get educated and know what’s available in case the victim comes to them looking for an out.

Second, Walsh says that pushing the victim to leave by saying, “You have to leave,” or “He’s horrible” will get no results. Instead, those looking to support victims should say, “I’m worried for your safety. I’m here to support you and you don’t deserve this.”

“It takes victims lots and lots of time to come forward, and they need to work it through in their head that there’s no reason to be ashamed,” Walsh says. “Very often, all they hear from their abuser is that they’re crazy. If that’s what he’s been telling you, you might think that you are, and you’re not going to talk to anyone because you’re ‘crazy,’ right?”

Finally, and most importantly, Walsh says it is important to believe a victim’s story. She says it is especially hard for men who have been victims to come forward because there is an added stigma. Men are supposed to be strong, she says, and there is something wrong with a man if he is being abused.

Behind Closed Doors

tekanji
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This post is several years old and may not reflect the current opinions of the author.

Lest we forget what can hide underneath a veneer of equality, the New York times has published this article by Lizette Alvarez that reminds us that public acceptance does not necessitate private practice.

Alvarez begins by discussing the support of feminism in Sweden:

Feminists here are seldom hectored about quashing family values or derided, at least publicly, as a gang of castration-happy women. Relentlessly, they have pushed for women’s rights, and their triumphs are well known. Sweden ranks at the top (or near it) in the number of women who hold public office, serve as cabinet ministers, graduate from college and hold jobs. Mothers are granted long maternity leaves and send their children to excellent day care centers.

Sweden begins to seem like a political and social paradise for us equality-loving folk, especially if seen in light of a recent post on paid parental leave with an “equality bonus” by Egalia over at Tennessee Guerilla Women. But no society is perfect, and Sweden is no exception. The dirty little secret in this case is domestic violence.

The turmoil began a year ago with the Amnesty International report, which took Sweden to task for failing to adequately curb violence against women and help victims cope with their situations. The organization also cited spotty prosecutions, vague statistics, old-fashioned judges and unresponsive local governments.

Alvarez puts much of the blame on the rampant equality of women, saying that “[r]ather than boldly tackle the pattern of violence, many in Sweden reflexively dismissed it as the sort of thing that happens somewhere else.” I think that reading is too simplistic, and ignores the need for a double pronged approach to achieving equal rights – using laws to enforce public acceptance while employing more subtle means to coax the private sphere into internalizing the new ideology.

I agree with the sentiment expressed in Even in Sweden:

So what is going on here? Is the whole edifice of relative gender equality in Scandanavia, or at least Sweden, a facade? I’m guessing not. More likely, I think, the lesson to take is that the barrier between the public and private is stubborn, and that it is possible to make great gains in where women stand in relation to men in public, without corresponding gains in private.

And, just in case you can’t figure out where I stand, I believe that public gains without corresponding private ones are valuable, but ultimately useless if the private sphere is ignored and neglected. Unless people actually start believing in equality, all the legislation in the world isn’t going to change what happens in their heads, or behind closed doors.

Via feministe

A Victory for Reproductive Rights in Illinois

tekanji
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This post is several years old and may not reflect the current opinions of the author.

Finally, someone realizes that pharmacists’ morals should not trump the reproductive rights of women. CNN’s article Illinois governor: No delays in birth control prescriptions is the first real victory I’ve seen on the so-called “conscience clause” pharmacists. It’s refreshing to see legislation protecting the rights of women who need, and have legal rights to, birth control medication.

“Our regulation says that if a woman goes to a pharmacy with a prescription for birth control, the pharmacy or the pharmacist is not allowed to discriminate or to choose who he sells it to,” Blagojevich said. “No delays. No hassles. No lectures.”

One thing that defenders of the “conscience clause” forget (or ignore) is that these pharmacists are discriminating based on gender; it is women, not men, who are the ones being denied their birth control, being lectured, and in some cases having their prescription held hostage. These pharmacists are using their morals to force their choice on the woman, trumping her doctor’s advice and her own decision on her well-being. At least the Illinois government not only gets that, but also believes in a woman’s right to decide what’s best for her and her body.

Men and Feminism

tekanji
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This post is several years old and may not reflect the current opinions of the author.

I recently stumbled across a post from Danny from adventures in cultural politics about a debate he and David from Lawyers, Guns and Money called Feminist men respond. The subject of “male feminists”/”pro-feminist men” is one that I consider to be a cause of mine, so my attempt at commentary blossomed into a full-blown article.

I don’t see the movement of feminism in general as a “woman only” space; I believe that any person, regardless of gender identity (male, female, or any shade of transgendered/genderqueer), should be able to call themselves a feminist as long as they strive for the social, economic, and political equality of all people. Of course, I also respect any person’s right to decide to choose their own labels.

The main reason why I see the movement as inclusive of more than just women is that feminism isn’t the fight against men, but rather the fight against patriarchy. The cycle of abuse and repression of women is linked to the belief in the validity of strict gender roles, which is just as, if not more so, strict for men as for women. By excluding men from the feminist movement, I believe that it harms the progress away from a masculine-normative society in which “masculinity” is good/normal, and “femininity” is bad/lesser. I also think that, only by actively engaging in the feminist community will men be able to see how the patriarchy affects them and those around them. If we as a society cannot or will not see how the system hurts us, then how can we bring about any changes?

Although the original debate is on a slightly different subject than what I’m focusing on, I’d just like to offer a different perspective on what Danny said:

For women who don’t identify as feminist, I think your identification is more likely to dilute the link of “women’s experience -> feminism” that has been a driving force behind its success as a political movement.

When I encounter people who don’t identify as feminist, I usually ask why. Everyone has a variety of answers, but most of them will include “the movement excludes men” as one of them. My argument doesn’t invalidate Danny’s, but it shows that linking feminism with “women’s” experience (and only women’s experience) can offend some people’s sense of equality. The “women’s experience -> feminism” model also has implications for transmen and transwomen, both of whom have much to offer the feminist community but who have been (and continue to be) shut out because of “women only” spaces that reek of transphobia. If feminism is for women, then where do the intersexed and transgendered communities fit in? And I don’t accept the notion that transmen “betrayed their gender” and transwomen are “spies for the patriarchy”, a view that sadly has been expressed by some feminists.

What it comes down to is that if we want equality for all, then it has to be fought for by all.

Menstrual Musings

tekanji
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This post is several years old and may not reflect the current opinions of the author.

Ever since I started using the Diva Cup I’ve been really thinking about the tampon/pad industry and what it means for women and the environment. Honestly, I don’t think that the current mainstream menstrual companies are good for women and I know they aren’t good for the environment.

First off, there’s tampons. They seem like a perfect solution because they don’t hinder movement in any way and you can swim with them in. But, the biggest problem with them is the risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) which is life threatening. There are serious health risks associated with TSS and in some cases it can lead to death.

The FDA’s report on TSS says this:

Approximately half the cases of TSS reported today are associated with tampon use during menstruation, usually in young women.

The rest of the report is focused on minimizing the risks of TSS (it says that “In 1997, only five confirmed menstrually-related TSS cases were reported…” but that number relies on proper diagnosis of TSS by doctors as well as a reason for them to declare it
“menstrually-related”). For some other good information, there’s a discussion on Scarleteen’s message boards.

One of the Associate Editors of the online magazine posts this:

From what my medical informers tell me (I just called my local sex-positive Nurse Practitioner to verify this stuff, so I assume she knows her stuff), the toxic bleaches and synthetic fibers can contribute to TSS by creating a less immunologically sound climate
inside the vagina, and because superabsorbent tampons can actually dry out the vaginal lining so that there’s none of that nice protective immunologically functional mucous left to help protect the body from bacterial invasion through the vaginal wall.

And:

Both things can happen with tampons that aren’t changed often enough or with tampons that are too high absorbency for a woman’s needs and which a) collect a lot of blood in them, making a staph breeding pool, while simultaneously b) drying out the vagina and increasing the chance of bacteria and toxins getting into the bloodstream. Any tampon can do it if the other circumstances are right. Some are more likely culprits than others.

There are some more common problems with pads, too. Scarleteen’s article, “On the Rag” discusses some of the problems on Page 5:

If you’re going to use pads, make sure you do not get any that are scented, or have any added perfumes, as these can cause vaginal infections.

From what I can find, very few objective studies have been done on the effects of popular pads and tampons on women and their bodies. I feel like this is just yet another product of the shame culture that surrounds women’s bodies, but I suppose that’s a rant for another day. Instead of buying into the commercial hype, we women need to take control of our menstrual health by learning and making an informed decision about what products we choose to use. And any men reading this article – learning about women’s bodies is just as important for you. Understanding women’s health, and all the issues surrounding it, is an important part of understanding your mothers, your sisters (and other relatives), your friends, and (if you swing that way) your girlfriends.

Useful Links

Alternatives to disposable pads and tampons: