I really don’t have the time to get into this subject, but I would recommend reading up on the following links:
FAQ: What is sexism?
FAQ: What is male privilege?
Post on child custody and sexism
Comment thread regarding child custody laws in the US

Also, in regards to your use of “insane”, I would like to remind you that this is an anti-oppression blog and that includes anti-(dis)abilism. I’m not sure if your sister’s mother is mentally ill or not, but either way it’s inappropriate to refer to her as “insane”, which is a highly hurtful and stigmatizing word for those who have mental illnesses. I suggest that you read up on some of my Ableism 101 FAQs (found on the sidebar). Thanks.

“I think it’s more fair to say that, as a man, sexism doesn’t affect you.” Takanji

If you’re talking about only me you’re mostly right. I’ve never had a major discrimination made against me that I can remember. If you’re talking about my father though you’d be dead wrong. I live in Washington state, where woman are awarded child custody almost 90% of the time – a statistic which isn’t far off from the national average (http://voices.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2008/10/child_support.html or 81%). It was legally possible up until a year ago for a woman to file a sexual harassment charge during a custody case and have that submitted as evidence during the custody case. Washington state has a no amendments policy even if evidence used during the case is found to be under contempt (the concept is to keep parents from bouncing a kid like a ping-pong ball). You can only change custody if you bring up a new case that first has to prove there has been a major change from the original case.

Which is exactly what happened to my father, he didn’t even know he had a daughter until she was five years old and her mother dropped her off at my mom and dads house. In Washington State, if they are not married woman do not have to report who the father is. Now it’s here I have to tell you that my sisters mother is criminally insane. I don’t me she’s [I] insane [/I], I mean we the judge and the jury find the defendant. in Washington state the primary means of determining custody is stated as, “The relative strength, nature, and stability of the child’s relationship with each parent, including whether a parent has taken greater responsibility for performing parenting functions relating to the daily needs of the child (this factor shall be given the most weight).” (http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/childcustodylaw1/qt/WashCusSup.htm). Basically the stay at home parent, the problem with this is that I personally know two stay at home dads who lost their children.

if you want to look up the court case it’s filed under Paul Lord and Joanne Lord, should be easy to find since there’s nothing else there in the public Washington criminal records.

As to my explanation I wouldn’t mind hearing you’re personal opinion on where I strayed rather then brushing it off.

P.S: this made headlines a couple years ago http://www.aph.gov.au/HOUSE/committee/fca/childcustody/subs/sub1675.pdf

First off let me say that as a guy I feel slightly like I’m walking into the lions den here.

In a way, you are.

For the most part this blog is for anti-oppression activists and our allies and I don’t do a lot of 101 stuff. If you haven’t already, though, I would highly suggest reading up on the various 101 links I have on my sidebar (feminism, race relations, privilege, etc). Having a solid base of understanding about these issues helps a lot with the feeling of being out of place commenting on a blog like this.

As a person, sexism just generally doesn’t effect me.

I think it’s more fair to say that, as a man, sexism doesn’t affect you. (Not criticizing your word choice, by the way; I realize you were saying that it doesn’t personally affect you, but I’m rather trying to communicate that it’s important to make the distinction that it is because you are a male person that sexism doesn’t personally affect you.)

As for the explanations you offer, I have heard them before I don’t have the time to get into that part of your argument, but I would recommend looking up some feminist critiques of male stereotypes. I think that Feminist Allies in particular would probably be a pretty good read for you.

having stated all that I feel to the need to explain the normal male mind set when it comes to attacks on people over the internet(or at least my personal experience). Most young men (including myself way back when) do not see personal attacks, such as trolling, flaming, sexual threats, or other such one time(or a small number of) comments as attacking a person. I’ve always tried to keep my mouth shut on the internet (mostly because I used to spell door as doar), but it’s taken me a long time to emotionally accept that there’s a face on the other side of this monitor. More importantly, there are many faces.

There’s also an element of shop talk to all of this. To put it simply, young men tend to be mean. I’m not saying we’re right, I’m saying we’re stupid. My best friend told me to my face today that I can’t dance because “you’re clumsy and lack dexterity.” that’s not insulting to me. I’m not trying to make a statement saying you need to thicken your skin or something like that, when most young guys find things insulting it’s offensive and they hate it just as much as the next person. I don’t really know how to articulate this point, the best thing I can come up with is that it’s similar to taste. Everyone has something they enjoy and dislike, and a lot of those reactions are cultural. When you taste something you don’t like you know it right then and there, but when someone says they don’t enjoy a taste you find delicious it’s hard to understand why they feel that way. that’s a real shitty metaphor because flaming is nasty and attacks someone personally, but I hope you get what I’m attempting to say.

Stalkers, really anyone that takes the time to look up your IP, is a different issue though. These are people who have taken more then 5 minutes out of the hour to track you down. that’s really the crux of it by the way, most comments or flames take no time and there’s no one to make you feel guilty. Sending a letter to someone or finding out where they live takes serious effort.

-V for Vilje the Vile

I am rather sturdy in this topic, but I must say that it does get to me, very hard, when I notice how friends ends up feeling after some of guys are through with them on the forums. At that point do I get angry, but at the same time do I notice that it IS tempting to just be quiet to avoid what is now a real and intimate feeling of loathing. Much of the loathing is from frustration, I understand that, but much of it also seems to come from a deep distrust in all things feminine/female/feministic and the thought that women should also feel the need to equally promote thoughts, sites and ideas as an alternative to the mainstream (read: male) masculine thoughts, sites and ideas.

You mentioned http://blog.shrub.com/archives/tekanji/2008-02-06_693 and Kotaku, but honestly, after reading much of that, do I wonder if it isn’t rather common all over.

Fortunately is the moderators on forums.ageofconan.com trying hard to do good and help promoting everyone’s good ideas. I imagine that they also can feel somewhat unprepared (without me actually being told that) on some hostility and use of techniques that you mention in this blog.

I don’t think all the “hostiles!” are even aware of how it intimidates, hurts, corners, or angers, when you and/or friends get those things used against us. I really doubt they even know the emotional and conflicting intellectual source of their ways when they act like that.

Shrub and other sites like this has helped alot on my own motivation, just as it has made me understand that this isn’t such a rare problem. That it isn’t rare doesn’t really make it better, but more intimidating and hostile. Well, thanks

-V for Vilje the Vile

Really, the only way for that to happen is for more women to get involved in internet communities and to make their presence obvious. This might prompt some male members of these communities into holding their tongues. As I see it, the problem is rooted in the fact that the internet is a predominantly male “culture.” Often the issue is that males are the vast majority of members in a community, and it just opens the door for testosterone-induced stupidity. I really do hope this happens, because it’s apparent that most internet communities are very male-heavy.

On another note, I don’t think “flaming” someone in online posts can really fall under defamation of character. That’s just ridiculous.

Steve P
imreader70@gmail.com