How do you tell?

The main crux was that, while I had succeeded in supressing my romantic feelings for women under the heading of “friendship” (since romantic love is closely tied to the kinds of feelings we have for our friends), I never quite got the sexual aspect to go away.

For years I was like, “I can’t be bi; I have never found a woman I’m romantically attracted to.” And that line worked because when I was in a monogamous relationship, I was able to turn any potential “romantic” feelings for other people into “friendship” ones. I adopted the term “mostly heterosexual” to describe myself, because I was more than a little scared of the ridicule I’d face if I came out to myself and others as bi.

And then my boyfriend-at-the-time and I broke up and I found myself alone for the first time in years. And suddenly I found that, in addition to thinking of boys as potential romantic partners, I was starting to think of girls that way too. Complete agony, I tell you, when my core group of female friends at the time were hetero and my main hangouts weren’t exactly queer-oriented spaces.

It took me like 21 years of my life, but I finally realized that I had to stop letting other people’s idiocy run my life. Not my abusive ex and his insinuations that I was sleeping with Buffy, not the male-gaze raunch culture that tells us that “bi” girls are just heteros faking it for men’s amusement, not my mom saying that bisexuality didn’t exist, or my friend telling me that I was mistaken.

I guess, in the end, I could tell because the longer I denied it to myself the harder it pushed at me. I had to be who I was; and that was someone who loves both men and women.

I’ve noticed that the general consensus among young (nonfeminist) men is that lesbians and bisexual women exist for their amusement. It’s as if they think they deserve some sort of compensation for the fact that the lesbians aren’t interested in sleeping with them; a year or so ago that crowd seemed to be contemptuous of lesbians, in a “how dare you not be interested in keeping a MAN sexually satisfied?!” sort of way.

and still to this day am slightly confused because i’m not sure if part of the attraction to ‘pretty girls’ is due partly to the media and society for example being flooded with images of pretty girls through the male gaze every single day.

Same here.

and a friend said that I had to be mistaken, that I was confusing love/lust for “appreciation” of the female body.

And I’ve been wondering if that’s the case with me. How do you tell?

I mean, Christ, we’re not in this for the thrill. We’re not in this for the sex. We’re in this because we want to fall in love, you know?

Word.

Not that I speak from experience or anything.

Raunch culture and the cult of ‘pleasing men by doing something hawt’ marginilizes actual lesbian and bisexual women by teaching the lesson that this sort of sexual contact is only play, and isn’t (and can’t be) something real . . . this means that often the girls who play at this aren’t even thinking that they may be doing be doing something cruel by making out with girls who are really interested in them, because, after all, it’s all just play, right? I think there’s something similar in play when it comes to girls who are ‘kinda sorta’ interested in polyamory.

I mean, Christ, we’re not in this for the thrill. We’re not in this for the sex. We’re in this because we want to fall in love, you know?

Bleh.

—Myca

My main concern about picking up Levy’s book is that it seems from many of the reviews I’ve read that she focuses on female responsibility, instead of engaging in some good ol’ patriarchy blaming. I’m of the mind that, while we all make our own paths in life, the girls who perpetuate raunch culture are also victims of it. And the blame rests not on them, but rather the mechanisms that tell them that they need to act the way they do in order to be accepted. Also, reading about victim blaming (even if it’s in the context of trying to help people) makes me see red. >The reason however that I am or rather was not open about my feelings though is pseudo-bi women that and someone how being attracted to females is something that seems to be used against us (women) in terms of being objectified.

I’ve encountered the latter problem as well. When I come out to my female friends, they shrug and are like “ok”. The most I get from them is sometimes they’ll make a joke about me hitting on them, to which I reply something like, “Ha! You wish.” Many of my guy friends’ reactions, however, have made me reconsider my friendship with them. It’s like, when I IDed as hetero, they had a healthy fear of being/saying anything inappropriate. Then I come out as bi/pan and now I exist for their entertainment. But it’s just “helping me out”, you know.

I can’t stand pseudo-bi women you know the type who kiss other girls because it is what men want, because they think it will turn them off or whatever. I haven’t read the other post YET but i’m guessing that’s what she is talking about. I have however read Levys book and that is what she mentions. She does however also mention lesbian couples and how they often mimic male- female relationships but that is another chapter again. I can not recommend the book enough, see a few quotes in a previous page.

I went through a very similar phase to you and still to this day am slightly confused because i’m not sure if part of the attraction to ‘pretty girls’ is due partly to the media and society for example being flooded with images of pretty girls through the male gaze every single day. I’ve never acted on my feelings so it’s hard to say. I actually considered dating another women right before Mr T but then what we had was 4,000 thousands time stronger than what I had with the woman. Not because she was a women but just because of personalities/values etc.

The reason however that I am or rather was not open about my feelings though is pseudo-bi women that and someone how being attracted to females is something that seems to be used against us (women) in terms of being objectified. The whole idea of mentioning it and guys starting to imagine just creeps me out. And no i’m not interested in threesome thank you very much.

Wow that was good to get off my chest .