Part of it, I think, is that the people who I have to call on their bigotry are more often than not men, and so even when it’s about race, sexual orientation, or something like that the power dynamic is still skewed. The few women who have said something bigoted around me were not people I knew beforehand and, though through the magic of speaking without thinking I did respond to them, I was left kind of reeling from the sort of crap they were saying — probably because the instances with women have all been about misogyny.

Well, there was also one WTF moment when a professedly heterosexual woman talked about how ugly men’s bodies are as if it was a given fact… that was just weird. But I think it’s also tied into misogyny insofar as the way that women are supposed to view sex and their own sexuality — in the media women are portrayed as always beautiful and always ready for sex and so, even if we’re heterosexual, we’re conditioned to see women as the beautiful, sexy gender and strive towards the unattainable. But men’s bodies are not portrayed like that overall; they are usually seen clothed and valued for their strength, power, and money. Couple that with the traditionalist idea that women aren’t supposed to like/want sex and it turns into women being encouraged to have a very fucked up view about men. I mean, I can sort of understand where she’s coming from; when I was younger I thought men’s bodies were gross, too. But, you know, then I actually had loving relationships with men and, well, the reason why I identify as pansexual as opposed to homosexual is because I’m actually attracted to men… I think it’s kind of fucked up that so many heterosexual women who are in physical relationships with male partners find those men’s bodies so repulsive.

Oops, that was kind of a random tangent. If you think it’s too off topic, Dora, let me know and I’ll delete it with the magic power of comment editing.

Beste: Since you already have people addressing you, I’m going to stay out of the conversation for now. I’m still following it, though, if you would still like to talk with me directly.

Canaduck: Ugh. That’s certainly an ugly thing to throw out into a conversation, and I understand your shock. I do think it’s important to speak up, though, and I’m glad you’ll do so next time.

It’s clear to me that this guy was testing the waters - he said a racist thing, but prefaced it with the “I’m not racist” ploy so he could backpedal. He also, I’m sure, toned down what he really wanted to say about why the interracial couple bugged him so much. He gauged the reactions from you and your coworkers to see if he could get away with more next time. Speaking up during this first instance, as you plan to do in the future, would really nip the behavior in the bud - at least among that particular group.